Another Poem

I haven’t posted poetry in a while so here’s a slam poem.  Warning for strong language.

“I’m Still Sad But What Else Is New?”

You said you loved me more, fuck you

I knew this was a lie

I don’t think you noticed my eyes or my lips or tried desperately to memorize the outline of the white sheets as they crumpled around my soft skin

I don’t think you stared so hard it brought tears to your eyes because you knew deep in the pit of your stomach that everything has its own expiration date

This doesn’t even matter because

I can’t eat when I’m sad

And a piece of fruit pressed to my lips only stains them cherry red, strawberry pink

Tip of my tongue

Juice dripping down the side of the kitchen sink
Or is that blood?
Hearts break slowly

But at least you did some gardening first

Uprooting the weeds in my belly

Planting wildflower seeds in the furrows you made when clawing at my skin

The love for me you left behind is like finding blood on a bath towel

and not knowing where it came from

You’re sure a wound must exist and conclude that the pain just went on hiatus

I really hope I don’t bleed out in my sleep
I know I loved you more, fuck you

I remember the incredible thump of your heartbeat

Hot and strong and made from the stuff that glues together even the most wild of pages

The book that is your body is bound by sea salt and sunshine

I never liked holding shells to my ear when I went to the beach

because I couldn’t hear anything and the sand that got caught in my hair

stayed long after I’d left the shore

When I laid my head on your chest

I could finally hear the ocean the way that I’m supposed to

I didn’t know that your scent would be harder to scrub away

than a few grains of sand

And it would rub my skin twice as raw

I tried to memorize the imprint of your body heat,

the topographical map that was left tattooed on me by the warmth of your torso

I want our tectonic plates to collide again and create more islands

Never mind the sand

My memory isn’t worth much more than the change I have in my pocket

but I’ll be damned if I forget the sharp bite of your fingernails

into the smeared canvas of my back

and the eager blossoming of pain

when your teeth rent through the fabric of my frayed common sense

exhilaration unfurling like ropes of light from cheap drugstore fireworks

You turned an abandoned art project into a goddamn masterpiece

Spun gold cobwebs over paint that had long since dried

 

I know I loved you more, fuck you

The way your touch felt on my skin,

pressed against the shower wall

grinning while rivulets of warm water trickled into my mouth

Your eyes in the half light

gray light

soft afternoon light

oozing all over the walls

smudged into corners that had been dark for too long
Fuck you, I knew I loved you more

when I realized that I’d slashed my own parachute to shreds

just for the pleasure of falling together

I didn’t think far enough ahead to realize

that when I hit the ground my spine would telescope

Part of me doesn’t care because this gave me a chance to stare down the moon

The sun will blind you if you look for too long

but no one tells you that the moon will drive you stark raving mad

 

I know I loved you more, thank you

For opening dusty windows I never even knew existed,

for watering plants that had long since been forgotten

and proving that the monsters under my bed would stop biting me

if I’d simply turn around and bite back

For demonstrating that it’s okay to choke back up the water of clean,

Christian thoughts that flooded my lungs instead of my mind like they were supposed to

To scream through a mouthful of lake sludge and saliva

that sex is not something that will be wrenched from hands

You did not pry my palms open

You were the first person who let me uncurl my fingers on my own

You were the first person who let me help you take off my clothes

 

Baby girl the thought of you struck me across the fucking face today

and I haven’t seen you in 58 days

I traced the outline of your fingertips,

stroked the raised welts on my cheek,

tried to hold the imprint of your hand

because I’m still sliding backwards down the canyon wall

And the girl who was once my safety net

is now halfway across the world catching butterflies

I used to love the outdoors but after you gave me vertigo

I don’t like hiking all that much anymore

It’s hard to stay on solid ground when every time I look over the edge of a building

I think I see a flash of your hair down below

and I have to stop myself from jumping to maybe catch the end of your sleeve

before you disappear around the corner

But you’re not a butterfly,

and even if you were I know I’m not supposed to pinch your wings
Either way, I miss falling for you

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Week One

I’m here! Actually, I’ve been here for a week, but everything’s been super overwhelming and I haven’t had a spare moment to give y’all an update.  Boy, Disney’s pretty crazy.  But crazy in the best possible way, of course!

I moved into my apartment last Monday.  The check in process was quick and easy, which was nice, but (unfortunately) I was placed in a two bedroom apartment with five roommates.  This means three people to a room.  I’d done my very best to avoid this scenario.  When signing up for housing, you listed all your different housing options from most desired to least desired.  I put every combination of two people to a room, regardless of the housing complex they were located in, at the top of my list.

From what I can surmise, the reason I got stuck with one of my last choices for housing is because I wasn’t that picky.  Ironic, right?  I was fine with random roommates since I thought that might give me a better chance of getting the housing unit I wanted.  But, everyone I talked to who found people they wanted to room with in advance got nicer housing.

What I didn’t know was that some of the housing units here have people checking out and checking in at different points in the year.  Not everyone moves into their apartments at the same time.

So, when I walked into a decidedly lived in place (located in Chatham Square, which is actually pronounced “Chattam”), I was confused.  There were bags of food all over the couch and the dining room tables and the counters, dirty dishes in the sink, laptops and books on the coffee table…  Did I have the wrong room number?

But no, there was a sign on one of the doors that said “Welcome!”  Inside was one empty bed.  The top bunk, of course.  No one ever wants the top bunk.

As it turned out, all my roommates are ICPs, or international students in the Disney College Program.  I think this is awesome.  There are two girls from Africa, one from Italy, one from France, and one from Norway.  A girl moved out of their place and since I was alone, I simply took her spot.

While I enjoy hearing about my roommates’ cultures and they are all super nice, I kind of wish I had the experience of moving into an apartment with a bunch of other newbies.  All my roomies already have their own lives, their own groups of friends, they’ve already been working for a while, etc.  (I think it’s kind of funny that most of the ICPs work at Epcot in their respective country.)  I can’t really hang out with any of them, so I had to go out of my way to meet new people.

This was fine with me.  I was up to the challenge!  I came to Disney to get out of my comfort zone, after all.

This brings me to another problem: because the CPs in my apartment have come and gone on a rotating basis, I don’t know the last time this place has had a good, deep clean.  If everyone moves out all at once, the tenants have to scrub the whole apartment from top to bottom in order to get it ready for the next batch of CPs.  That’s not the case, at least not where I’m staying.

Remember how I said I arrived to find a ton of food strewn everywhere?  That was because our place has roaches and the girls had to move their food out of the cabinets so the bug guy could come spray.

Ew.

I haven’t eaten in a week.  I refuse to go near the kitchen.  Once I walked over to put my dirty coffee mug in the sink, and a roach was scuttling over the dishes.

Granted, this is partially our fault.  Before I got here there was a ton of dirty dishes in the sink and multiple bags of trash.  I got the place back in order, though, and hopefully if we’re all a little bit cleaner the bugs will find another apartment to terrorize.

I was complaining about this to some people at the bus stop and another girl chimed in.

“Oh, yeah, when my roommates and I moved into our apartment in Patterson, we decided to clean it.  We tried moving the fridge to sweep underneath it, and hundreds of cockroaches scuttled out.  The exterminator came to spray, and immediately he went right back to the front desk and declared our apartment unlivable.  We had to move buildings, and Disney had to pay for us to wash our laundry because the roaches lay eggs in everything.”

Now, keep in mind that this is just a story I heard and I have no idea if it’s true or not.  I’m not trying to defame Disney’s good name.  And most of the other places I’ve seen have been pretty nice.  I guess I just got the short end of the stick this time.

I do think it’s kind of ridiculous how much rent is.  It’s about $100 a week for me, which means between the six of us we pay $600 a week.  That comes out to $2400 a month for a roach-infested two bedroom apartment.  Orlando is expensive, but not that expensive.

Other than my housing arrangements, I love it here so far.  The people are nice and friendly, I get free access to all the parks (and I’ve visited almost all of them so far, except for the water parks), and I’ll be working at Pecos Bill’s Cafe in the Magic Kingdom!  It’s basically a cowboy-themed fast food place in Frontierland.  I know Magic Kingdom is the busiest of all the parks, but I’m glad that I’ll be in the center of the action.  Plus, you get a tiny bit of a raise if you work in MK.

Today I had my first day of training, which was basically eight hours of safety videos, food prep instructionals, and lectures on Disney’s core values.  Nothing too bad (I was thankful just to be in the air conditioning) but it was very difficult not to fall asleep.

I’m champing at the bit to get out there and actually start work.  I’ve heard mixed reviews about the program from my fellow CPs (last night on the bus, there were two guys from custodial who didn’t have a single nice thing to say about Magic Kingdom), but I’m still confident that I’ll enjoy it.  I like people, I like interacting with them, and I hope I have lots and lots of chances to brighten someone’s day.

Even in the short time I’ve spent exploring the parks, all the employees are so nice and friendly.  With luck, all the guests will think the same thing about me!

More later,

V

P.S.  Disclaimer:  None of my views in any of these blog posts reflect the views of Disney in any way whatsoever.  (Please don’t fire me, Disney!)

P.P.S.  Three of my roommates know that I’m gay, and they seem fine with it.  I feel really safe being open about my sexuality with Disney, since they’re such a big ally.  I’m lucky to work for an inclusive company!

Tomorrow’s the Day!

Hi guys, I’m coming to you live from Orlando, Florida!  It’s been a week since I touched down in the Sunshine State, but I’m still in the process of adjusting to my new home.

Things are different over here, that’s for sure.  No one has heard of pizookies (tragic, I know), everyone says “highway” instead of “freeway,” and there are tolls everywhere.  It rains almost every day (sometimes more than once a day) which I don’t think I’ll ever get used to.  I can be lounging around by the pool in the blazing sun one minute, and then the next thing I know I’m caught in a torrential downpour.  There are tons of frogs, lizards, and a surprising lack of mosquitoes.  I was fully prepared to douse myself in repellent before going outside, but I haven’t gotten a single bug bite.

Taken from bjsrestaurants.com; oh beloved dessert, how dreadful are the lives of those who’ve never consumed you! 
So far I like it here, though!  Once you make it through the horrendous traffic, there’s no shortage of things to do.  SeaWorld, Universal Studios, and Disney are all around the same area, but there’s more to Orlando than just the big amusement parks.  There’s the beach, of course, as well as a bunch of shopping areas with cool, local cafes and stores.

Personally, I’m most excited for the Halloween nights at Universal Studios, but that doesn’t start until next month.  This year they’re creating American Horror Story themed haunted houses too which is quite possibly the greatest idea in the entire universe.

Taken from insidethemagic.net
I must admit, I’m a little bit homesick, bu not in the way I expected.  I’m homesick for California.  Which doesn’t make any sense at all, because I didn’t live there.  It just feels so far away, and that means there’s no chance of me taking a quick weekend trip over to San Diego.  I’m looking into spending my next semester over in LA on an exchange program.

Taken from pinterest.com
Homesick or not, I’m here for the next four months so I might as well make the best of things.  Which I’ve absolutely been doing!  I already went to Universal Studios, Cocoa Beach, and walked a ferret on a leash.  All while battling humidity that makes it feel like you’re swimming through the air.

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This was the little walkway down to Cocoa Beach, which I thought was prettier than the beach itself, to be honest.

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This is the view from Cocoa Beach Pier.
I had a lot of fun (the beach is my favorite, after all), but Cocoa Beach really made my heart ache for the SoCal beaches that I’m used to.  There were no pretty mountains in the background, dotted all over with big mansions.  No cute little beach shops or street vendors or anything like that, and the weather was hot and humid instead of a little bit chilly.  I couldn’t even smell the salt from the ocean.

It was all very touristy.  You could order fried gator at the pier.  (Which, by the way, was a single, gargantuan restaurant and not a wooden walkway that jutted out over the water like I expected.)  The water was warm, which was nice.

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For a hot minute I got to wander around Universal after it closed and got a nice picture out of it.

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This was the biggest record shop I’d ever been in.  I can’t remember the name, but I think it was in Ivanhoe.

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I know, I’m a nerd, but I was still excited to see the SunTrust building.  Margo and Q break into it in Paper Towns, remember? 

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And finally, please enjoy this picture of ferrets on leashes.
I’ve gotta run guys, still getting everything ready for tomorrow.  I’ll write again once I get settled into my apartment -in Chatham Square!

Much love,

V

P.S  There’s a girl back home I’m kind of hung up on (she definitely doesn’t feel the same way about me, unfortunately), but I downloaded Tinder in an effort to get over her.  Let me tell you, Florida has some super cute girls!

Taken from popsugar.com; This is basically my gay self right now.

P.P.S. As a gay girl, I feel really welcome here. Nearly every establishment I’ve passed has an “#orlandounited” poster in the window, and I’ve seen a ton of people wearing t-shirts that have the same logo. 

A Bump in the Road: My Experience with Mental Illness

[Trigger warning: this post discusses mental illness and self-harm.  If these topics are triggering, feel free to read some of my other, more lighthearted posts!]

It’s not a good day for me.

I’m sorry to be writing to you all under such negative circumstances, but I’m determined to be myself in this blog, and days like these hold a certain significance in my life.  Not only that, but if there’s a chance that one of my readers deals with the same issues that I do, maybe I’ll be able to provide some measure of comfort through this entry.  Who knows?

For a long time I’ve battled generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder.  I was diagnosed with these only a short time ago, but when I look back on memories from my childhood I know that they’ve been a part of my life for years.

Taken from emotionalresourcecenter.com.  I was tired of seeing the stereotypical black and white photo of a person hunched on the floor, cradling their head in their hands.  So, please enjoy this frowny face in a sea of smiley faces!  Come on, give me a little credit.  I’m a writer, not a professional image selector.
It was the last two years of high school when things became nearly unbearable.  I was a constant irritation to my parents, I was a mystery to my friends, but the one I pissed off the most?  That would be me.  I couldn’t stand myself.  Every day I woke up in the same body, riddled with ugly scars from self-harm, and I felt like I could scream.  I fantasized about running away.  My group of friends got smaller every day, and with every broken tie I sank deeper and deeper into the hole that I was digging.  For a while I thought it was a temporary barrier, a bump in the road, but as time dragged on I had a feeling that it might be my grave.

I had a best friend.  She was gorgeous and lovely and the light of my life, when I wanted to sink into my sheets and never wake up, she came over and dragged me out of the house.  When I wanted nothing more than to sit down and stare blankly at the wall until I couldn’t remember where I was, she picked me up and drove and drove and drove until we were in a new and exciting place and I was laughing and the music on the radio was the perfect soundtrack.

Taken from pinterest.com
I fell madly in love with her.

And then everything fell apart.  She got a boyfriend, I was jealous, we started to drift.  There weren’t as many sleepovers or movie marathons.  I stayed at home more.

Don’t fall in love with your straight best friend, readers.  Don’t do it.  It will ruin you in ways you can’t even imagine.

One day last summer, we had a fight.  It was one of many similar arguments.  I can’t even remember what started it, I just know that it happened at the pool in her apartment complex.  All of our friends were there.  They stayed by her, I sat on the curb by the parking lot by myself.

And then I went home.  I went home, I went into my medicine cabinet, and I grabbed a bottle of pills.  My palms were sweating.  I slipped it into my pocket.  The bottle made a harsh rattling sound that reminded me of hard candies.

Taken from lhsfna.org
I spent that night in the hospital, high as a kite.  I couldn’t move, I could think but I couldn’t speak, I stared with empty eyes at a merry-go-round of hellish hallucinations.  When it was over a large, intimidating nurse came over to me and spat, “Don’t you ever do something so stupid again.  Don’t you ever do that.”

I shivered but said nothing.

That was the worst night of my life, by far.  My eyes still get misty when I think of my parents leaning over me in that hospital room, asking, “Why?” over and over with tears running down their cheeks.

Things got worse before they got better.  I tried living with my best friend in college.  It didn’t work out.  I ended up in the hospital yet again, this time spending a brief period in a psychiatric unit.  That was where I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  And, it turned out, borderline personality disorder.

This one came out of left field.  Borderline personality?  There was only one me, I didn’t feel like there were different personas all crowded into my brain.  But that’s not what borderline is.

Borderline personality is characterized by having an unstable sense of self, volatile relationships with others , impulsiveness, emotional outbursts, black-and-white thinking, etc.  People with borderline feel emotions more strongly and more exaggeratedly than other people.

Taken from sondranderson.wordpress.com
For instance, I’d have a fight with my best friend and it felt like the world was ending.  I’d be sure that this was it, this was the argument that signaled the beginning of the end of our friendship,  she obviously hated me and never wanted to see me again.

Ironically, this type of thinking was probably a big contributor to the actual, literal end of our friendship.  But I didn’t know that.

If you think you might have borderline personality disorder, I encourage you to research it and go to a professional in order to get diagnosed.  I am not an expert.

Taken from twitter.com
Furthermore, a large percentage of those who engage in self-harm have BPD.  So I guess I fell into that category.

Anyways, today is not a good day.  I’ve drastically improved since everything went down last year, but I still have days where I don’t like what I see in the mirror and I feel like a failure and who am I kidding?  My writing sucks and I’ll never get published and I might as well just fucking give up.

I guess that sums up today:  I want to give up.

But I won’t.  I can’t.  Without writing my life is infinitely boring.  I know it’s cheesy, but I feel like writing is what I was put on this earth to do.  And even if it isn’t my calling, that’s too bad.  I’m going to make it my calling.  Take that, universe and fate and God and whoever else calls the shots around here.

Taken from kwaminyamidie.com;  This is basically what life feels like right now.
Also:  The search for a literary agent isn’t going very well.  Lots of rejection letters.  I’m constantly revising and editing my novel, so hopefully that will pay off soon.  We’ll see, I guess.

And now it’s time for:  V’s Tips on How to Keep it Together if You’re Struggling with a Mental Illness!  These tips won’t work for everyone, but they’ve worked for a real live person who’s going through some Stuff and Shit, so maybe they’ll work for you, too.  Many times I’ve come across advice on the internet that seems to have been written by someone who doesn’t know what it’s like to have a mental illness, and it’s not very helpful.

1.  Get the hell out.

Get out of the house.  Just leave.  Go somewhere new, where you don’t have access to things that could hurt you.

2.  Surround yourself with people.

They don’t have to be your friends.  I know for me, sometimes I didn’t have any friends that I could hang out with.  Just go to a public place and watch people.  Lose yourself in their lives.

3.  Listen to happy music.

I’ve found that when I’m sad, I want to listen to sad music.  This is a terrible idea.  Listen to something happy, and it’ll start to lift your spirits too.

4.  Escapism.

This is where good old-fashioned American escapism comes into play!  Go to the movies.  If you can’t get to the movies, watch one at home.  (A happy movie, of course.)  Read a book.  Play a fun video game.  Do a crossword puzzle if that’s your thing.  Read Calvin and Hobbes.  Do anything that will make you forget what’s going on.  There’s nothing wrong with trying to forget your feelings until the wave of emotion passes and you’re in a better state to deal with the situation.

I know that wasn’t a lot of tips, but if I’m going to be completely honest, there’s not a lot that could help me until I got on medication.

Taken from samahospital.com
That’s another thing:  There is absolutely no shame in going on medication.  It changed my life, guys.  I was scared at first, but my meds didn’t take away my personality or dull my emotions or turn me into a completely different person.  It just gave me the push I needed to be happy again.  It quelled that uneasy feeling I always had in the pit of my stomach and allowed me to just relax.  For the first time in years, I could sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing and not feel like I was going to burst into tears, or have a vague inkling that something bad was about to happen.

If you feel like it could help you too, once again, see a psychiatrist.

Thanks for listening to me,

V

P.S.  I’m currently watching Scream Queens to cheer me up.  It’s a fabulous TV show, and I highly recommend it to anyone who’s an Emma Roberts fan.

My mom wanted to watch it with me, but I think it would be weird.  Too many gay characters, too many attractive actresses, too many necrophilia jokes.  She wouldn’t be able to handle it.

But, Chad Radwell?  Chad Radwell is a stellar character.

Taken from tumblr.com

Disney Developments

Breaking news!  I’ve officially been able to pre-register for the illustrious Disney Dorms.  I’ve set my sights on Chatham Square because out of all the research I’ve done on housing (believe me, it was quite minimal but I digress…) Chatham seems to be the best for someone who doesn’t own a car.

Let me categorize the information I’ve been able to find:

  1. Vista Way is supposedly a little ghetto, since it’s old, and lots of parties/general debauchery goes down there.  Don’t get me wrong, I love debauchery and whatnot, but I don’t want to get fired.  Disney doesn’t mess around when it comes to misconduct.  It is close to the grocery store, so that’s a plus.

    Vista Way, taken from aujord.me
  2. Patterson Court is the newest of the dorms; it was completed in 2008.  It’s also expensive, and there’s no bus stop (if you don’t have a car, it’s a 45-minute bus ride to get to work every morning).  The nearest one is a fifteen-minute walk over in Chatham Square.

    Patterson Court, taken from hannahsdcp.blogspot.com
  3. Chatham Square is your best bet if you don’t own a car, due to the fact that the bus stop is right outside.  It’s located right across the street from Mickey’s Retreat, which is basically a clubhouse for Disney employees.  There’s all sorts of good stuff there: a pool, all different types of courts (tennis, volleyball, basketball, etc.) picnic area, not to mention it’s located on the edge of Little Lake Bryan!  You can bet I’m going there on my days off.
    Chatham Square, taken from racheldoesdisney.wordpress.com
    The marina at Mickey’s Retreat, taken from flickr.com

    4. And finally, there’s the Commons.  The internet is unusually quiet about this location, and that might be because up until recently it was only open to international students.  It’s the most expensive out of all four complexes -but just barely.  The room with the highest rate in the Commons is only four dollars more per week than the one in Patterson Court.

    The Commons, taken from collinsrace1.wordpress.com

    If you want a little more detailed information on the Disney Dorms, I’d visit here or here.  These were my most helpful sources.

    I’m anxious for them to place me so that I can hopefully get in touch with my roommate(s).  With luck, I’ll be put in a room with only one other person, since that’s what I’m used to and frankly, three seems like it would be a bit cramped.

    Even though a random person isn’t ideal, I’m confident that I’ll be able to get along with almost anyone.  If they party?  Great!  We can hit the town together.  If they like to study, that’s fine too.  We can hit the books together.  I’m pretty good at adapting.

    Much love,

    V

    P.S.  Here’s a poem of mine.  Just thought I might share it.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    “Don’t forget about that day

    You know the one

    The time you smelled like sunscreen, sea water, salt and sand
    The air smelled fading sun
    Your legs are heavy and your chest is full
    You take a deep breath and your ribs expand until it feels like they might crack
    But it’s fine
    You’re not in pain
    Your lungs are simply overloaded with the fragrance of an evening well spent
    You’re not worrying about the rent that’s due or how you need to buy a new pair of running shoes
    You were running today
    Barefoot, on the beach
    Hard, wet earth under your feet
    The waves washing over your toes like the Lord bathing his disciples
    Baptizing you in foamy water
    You can feel the grains of sand in your hair
    It’s stiff and knotted but you can only grin because what the hell were you doing all day long if you’re not a mess when it’s all over
    Scrapes on your palms
    Blisters on your soles
    The gentle rolling motion of the sea still buoying your mind
    You float, suspended
    As your worries are upended
    Swallowed up by the thin sheets of sleep
    Until we meet again, my friend”

P.P.S. I just saw the Ghostbusters reboot and can I just say that I’m definitely a fan?  Jillian Holtzmann is a lesbian goddess and I 100% support the idea of an Erin/Holtzmann romance.

And seriously, who doesn’t love a crop top with overalls?

The Life and Times of a Bona Fide Homosexual

Hi there!  Today I’ve actually been semi-productive, if you can count ordering an early ballot as productive.

It literally takes five minutes, but I’m going to go ahead and pat myself on the back because it’s a step in the right direction.  In all seriousness, voting is important, everyone should do it (especially if you’re an American citizen right now), yada yada yada.

Taken from imamsonline.com

Oh, and I did go to church for the first time in forever.  It was purely to make my mom happy, but let me tell you, stepping foot in church was odd.  I felt like I was going to burn the second I sat down.

Why?  I’m gay.  Now, I know you can be gay and religious, but I’m not that kind of gay.  Once I accepted the fact that I fancy the ladies, my ties with Christianity were as good as crucified.  (Ha, ha.  Hopefully God doesn’t smite me for that one.)

Taken from carloswhittaker.com

I don’t think I ever truly believed in the Bible, anyways.  My sexuality just gave me a good excuse to duck out the back door.

After dozing off during a sermon about forfeiting all worldly pleasures in order to follow Jesus, Mom and I went to the movies.  We saw Nerve, the new thriller with Emma Roberts.

Taken from sarahscoop.com.  Just look at those eyebrows!  Dave Franco who?

Let me give you one word of advice, dear readers:  If you are a closeted gay girl, don’t go see Nerve with your mother.  It will be highly uncomfortable.

At least, it was for me.  There’s a scene where Roberts has to streak through a department store.  I could feel my face get beet-red, because my heart was doing little flip-flops and I was sure that Mom could feel the gay vibes rolling off my body in waves.

Don’t make any sudden movements, V! I told myself sternly, using every ounce of self-control not to grip the chair’s armrests in panic.  Just be cool!  God, why can’t you just be cool?!

In retrospect, I’m sure I could’ve just made a passing comment about how hot the guy in the movie was (he was streaking too), but that didn’t occur to me at the time.  And really, how could I possibly be paying any attention to him (Dave Franco, that’s his name, I just looked it up) when Emma Roberts was rapping Wu-Tang Clan and getting a tattoo?

Taken from blogarama.com.  How is she so cute?  How?  My tiny gay heart can’t handle it.

Honestly.I was not prepared for that level of adorableness from Emma Roberts.  And I thought it couldn’t get any better than when she played the narcissistic mean girl in shows like Scream Queens and American Horror Story: Coven!  In the words of Madison Montgomery:

Taken from http://www.reactiongifs.us

At one point my mom leaned over and pointed to another character, whispering, “He’s cute!” to which I replied with a strangled, slightly hysterical sounding, “Yeah!  Yes, ha!”

Stuff like this happens a lot when I’m with my family.  (I’m comfortably out to all my friends, just not my parents.)  Just the other day, we were all in the car and “Same Love” by Macklemore came on the radio.  Nonchalantly, I switched the station.  And “I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry started playing.

Are you kidding me?  I was furious.  How could the two gayest songs in recent pop culture have been on two different radio stations, simultaneously? 

Taken from reddit.com

I swear, every time gay rights or the word “lesbian” is uttered on TV, I break out in a cold sweat.  It’s not great.  I should probably work on that.

I should also probably come out to my parents.  I’ve had girls over before under the guise that we’re just friends, and if I thought a three minute Macklemore song was stressful?  Let’s just say I was definitely not prepared.

Deep down, I think my mom knows.  She never asks me about boys anymore because I think she’s a little scared of what my response will be.  Once she found a flyer for an LGBT club under my bed and with a trembling voice said, “V?  You don’t think you’re -gay or anything, do you?”  Hell, she even called my therapist and asked her if I’d mentioned any lesbian activity.

Taken from imgur.com

(My therapist was horrified at the question and answered her with the standard I’m-not-allowed-to-disclose-any-of-the-information-that-my-clients-tell-me-in-our-confidential-sessions speech, but she does know about the aforementioned lesbian activity.)

I want to come out to my mom.  I really do.  But I don’t know how, and at this point in time I’m not sure if she wants me to come out, either.  She’s a small, very religious lady.

If I did come out, I think it would be once I’m halfway across the country at the Happiest Place on Earth.

Let me know what you guys think in the comments!

Until next time,

V