Hi there! Today I’ve actually been semi-productive, if you can count ordering an early ballot as productive.
It literally takes five minutes, but I’m going to go ahead and pat myself on the back because it’s a step in the right direction. In all seriousness, voting is important, everyone should do it (especially if you’re an American citizen right now), yada yada yada.
Oh, and I did go to church for the first time in forever. It was purely to make my mom happy, but let me tell you, stepping foot in church was odd. I felt like I was going to burn the second I sat down.
Why? I’m gay. Now, I know you can be gay and religious, but I’m not that kind of gay. Once I accepted the fact that I fancy the ladies, my ties with Christianity were as good as crucified. (Ha, ha. Hopefully God doesn’t smite me for that one.)
I don’t think I ever truly believed in the Bible, anyways. My sexuality just gave me a good excuse to duck out the back door.
After dozing off during a sermon about forfeiting all worldly pleasures in order to follow Jesus, Mom and I went to the movies. We saw Nerve, the new thriller with Emma Roberts.
Let me give you one word of advice, dear readers: If you are a closeted gay girl, don’t go see Nerve with your mother. It will be highly uncomfortable.
At least, it was for me. There’s a scene where Roberts has to streak through a department store. I could feel my face get beet-red, because my heart was doing little flip-flops and I was sure that Mom could feel the gay vibes rolling off my body in waves.
Don’t make any sudden movements, V! I told myself sternly, using every ounce of self-control not to grip the chair’s armrests in panic. Just be cool! God, why can’t you just be cool?!
In retrospect, I’m sure I could’ve just made a passing comment about how hot the guy in the movie was (he was streaking too), but that didn’t occur to me at the time. And really, how could I possibly be paying any attention to him (Dave Franco, that’s his name, I just looked it up) when Emma Roberts was rapping Wu-Tang Clan and getting a tattoo?
Honestly.I was not prepared for that level of adorableness from Emma Roberts. And I thought it couldn’t get any better than when she played the narcissistic mean girl in shows like Scream Queens and American Horror Story: Coven! In the words of Madison Montgomery:
At one point my mom leaned over and pointed to another character, whispering, “He’s cute!” to which I replied with a strangled, slightly hysterical sounding, “Yeah! Yes, ha!”
Stuff like this happens a lot when I’m with my family. (I’m comfortably out to all my friends, just not my parents.) Just the other day, we were all in the car and “Same Love” by Macklemore came on the radio. Nonchalantly, I switched the station. And “I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry started playing.
Are you kidding me? I was furious. How could the two gayest songs in recent pop culture have been on two different radio stations, simultaneously?
I swear, every time gay rights or the word “lesbian” is uttered on TV, I break out in a cold sweat. It’s not great. I should probably work on that.
I should also probably come out to my parents. I’ve had girls over before under the guise that we’re just friends, and if I thought a three minute Macklemore song was stressful? Let’s just say I was definitely not prepared.
Deep down, I think my mom knows. She never asks me about boys anymore because I think she’s a little scared of what my response will be. Once she found a flyer for an LGBT club under my bed and with a trembling voice said, “V? You don’t think you’re -gay or anything, do you?” Hell, she even called my therapist and asked her if I’d mentioned any lesbian activity.
(My therapist was horrified at the question and answered her with the standard I’m-not-allowed-to-disclose-any-of-the-information-that-my-clients-tell-me-in-our-confidential-sessions speech, but she does know about the aforementioned lesbian activity.)
I want to come out to my mom. I really do. But I don’t know how, and at this point in time I’m not sure if she wants me to come out, either. She’s a small, very religious lady.
If I did come out, I think it would be once I’m halfway across the country at the Happiest Place on Earth.
Let me know what you guys think in the comments!
Until next time,